is the grass ALWAYS greener?
I don’t know whether my current state of malaise comes from a general disinterest or if it is brought on by the change in the weather, not to say the weather has been wholly unseasonable or generally unkind (raucous rain and wind storms turning into slightly windy mostly sunny days) but it has changed, the leaves have started to turn and fall and the need for hot chocolate has increased three fold… So in this turn I have discovered a sadness that was lurking behind the past several months excitement and confident optimism. It has snuck up and like the 5lbs I have innocuously and frustratingly gained and seemingly come from no where. Again I refer to the weather as cause and possibly effect.
My biggest fear is leaving London prematurely, to not have given it my all… And I suppose another worry is not knowing what ‘my all’ actually is. How long am I willing to stick it out, how broke am I willing to be, how many jobs unrelated to fashion or costume am I willing to take? How will I feel coming home after 5 months? (though I suppose I will have been away for more like 8months), will I feel fulfilled, will the longing to run, to explore and to escape still exist at a cellular level, will I still be a gypsy at heart and feel like breaking out of the prison I create around myself?
Solace has come from Sinead O’Connor, stovetop espresso with crushed cardamom and a voracious appetite for the gushy tender hearted romantic comedy, particularly ones with quirky girls getting the gorgeous well adjusted guy & 2 extra points if they incorporate Christmas. So am I sad (and by sad I mean pathetic) or am I just looking for comfort? I also find myself listening to the occasional Christmas song and thinking about the handmade presents I will hopefully have time to make, those of you who know me well know that Christmas in September is not a new thing for me but I frequently wonder if my nostalgia is brought on by a homesickness brought on by lack of job, money & social network or if it is a genuine need for familiarity, security and my moms roasted veggies.
So I guess one of the questions I have to ask myself is ‘How long do you force yourself to be in a perpetual state of indecision…’ Maybe I need to live and commit to living rather than commit to this constant state of flux I have forced upon myself for the past 11years… so I wonder if it is time to give it up… I just don’t know what is right, and I don’t feel I belong anywhere particularly and limbo has been a difficult place to live.
