queen of hearts -bound but not broken, tied but not twisted

I don’t know whether my current state of malaise comes from a general disinterest or if it is brought on by the change in the weather, not to say the weather has been wholly unseasonable or generally unkind (raucous rain and wind storms turning into slightly windy mostly sunny days) but it has changed, the leaves have started to turn and fall and the need for hot chocolate has increased three fold… So in this turn I have discovered a sadness that was lurking behind the past several months excitement and confident optimism. It has snuck up and like the 5lbs I have innocuously and frustratingly gained and seemingly come from no where. Again I refer to the weather as cause and possibly effect.

My biggest fear is leaving London prematurely, to not have given it my all… And I suppose another worry is not knowing what ‘my all’ actually is. How long am I willing to stick it out, how broke am I willing to be, how many jobs unrelated to fashion or costume am I willing to take? How will I feel coming home after 5 months? (though I suppose I will have been away for more like 8months), will I feel fulfilled, will the longing to run, to explore and to escape still exist at a cellular level, will I still be a gypsy at heart and feel like breaking out of the prison I create around myself?

Solace has come from Sinead O’Connor, stovetop espresso with crushed cardamom and a voracious appetite for the gushy tender hearted romantic comedy, particularly ones with quirky girls getting the gorgeous well adjusted guy & 2 extra points if they incorporate Christmas. So am I sad (and by sad I mean pathetic) or am I just looking for comfort? I also find myself listening to the occasional Christmas song and thinking about the handmade presents I will hopefully have time to make, those of you who know me well know that Christmas in September is not a new thing for me but I frequently wonder if my nostalgia is brought on by a homesickness brought on by lack of job, money & social network or if it is a genuine need for familiarity, security and my moms roasted veggies.

So I guess one of the questions I have to ask myself is ‘How long do you force yourself to be in a perpetual state of indecision…’ Maybe I need to live and commit to living rather than commit to this constant state of flux I have forced upon myself for the past 11years… so I wonder if it is time to give it up… I just don’t know what is right, and I don’t feel I belong anywhere particularly and limbo has been a difficult place to live.

basic update

The past few weeks I have spent a Saturday at Hampstead Heath enjoying the sunshine with Claire, wandering soho for Agent Provocateur knickers –and ahem jobs… I went to an Arsenal vs. Prague Spartans football game… a friend of Carla’s has a family box, we sat with Will & his fiancé Vaida, his parents, his brother & friends, we ate dinner at half time and were served wine by our private server… not bad not bad at all… Arsenal won.
On Friday Carla & I went to the Tate Modern and saw the Dali exhibition, room after room after room of Dali at various points in his life… I have seen a few Dali exhibitions and this by far tops them all. There was several movies he made, collaborated on or designed… the most wonderful was an animated Walt Disney /Dali collaboration called Destino, it wasn’t completed until 2003 because of financial trouble at the time but I highly recommend it, see it if you can. Then we went to the members only lounge snacked on nibbles and drank a bottle of rose.
On Saturday we went to the noisiest bar with the most interesting drinks in Angel… Tequila mojito’s, Procesco & fresh blueberry cocktails…. For Carla’s friend Elle’s birthday.
Sunday I worked and then Carla and I met in Chelsea & went to a Retro, Vintage, Antique clothing, hats, accessories, shoes jewelry, textile etc. sale. My piece of heaven.
It was amazing, the most fantastic and expensive clothing sale I have ever been too…
I have been working (since Friday Aug 31st) at the dance company I was at in July… I will likely work the rest of this week and hopefully some or all of the following week…
I am still trying to find work in the movie industry, applying to volunteer positions and attempting to write my most excellent cover letter that will convince all the designers I am the girl for her/him. Where am I living? I am living with Carla basically until my room becomes available at the end of the month. Her roommates have been incredibly kind and don’t seem to mind as long as I continue to bake ginger cookies (I finally found where to buy candied ginger & vegan butter!), carrot cake and whatever else I can come up with ~ vegan brownies are certainly next on the hit list…

The only thing missing from my life at the moment is all of you… my friends and family who are so much a part of my daily existence… know that despite the distance and often lack of contact I think of you often xox

Oh & more pics to look at…
‘london with the C/3 & toey’ –the family trip to London /England August ‘07
‘august & everything after’ –a fairly self indulgent photo stash